Just the Way It Is
by Emerald-Words
Summary: A broken heart, a sad and strong resolve...Sometimes you love with your whole heart, lose that love and live live to fight another day.


IF YOU ONLY KNEW

I watched the computer screen as its the light burned into my retina. I admitted I should have gone to bed hours ago. Now I sit and look at the blunder I had just made.

**I LOVE YOU**

That was the phrase written beside her name. She blamed exhaustion. Her _friend_ had not yet responded but she could just imagine what he was thinking. When finally he responded, she sighed, this was her way out of a sticky situation.

**Are you sure you're not just saying that?**

**WHY WOULD I DO THAT?**

Her fingers, she decided, had not come to the same meeting as her brain. Then again, maybe she had wanted to tell him all along how she really felt about him. Looking back at that stupid mistake now, Kagome decided, it was best to keep her feelings to herself. A relationship was too much of a risk for her poor heart.

It hadn't been the first guy she'd told she'd liked him. But he'd sure be the last to hear it from her lips. She trembled now at the utter betrayal she felt at the whole thing. She'd opened up to him because he was her friend – a friend she adored a whole lot. She still did. She honestly could not hate him but it hurt like hell to think about him. He'd know all along that there could be no 'them' as they talked and laughed but he never said one word. As a matter of fact, he still hadn't said anything to her. When her mother gave her the startling news, automatically she went into protect mode. It would have raised more questions if her reaction had been anything more or less that the mask that she continuously wore now. In fact, the mask she wore gave the impressions that she already knew. Her heart beat a different rhythm.

How long was it now since she found out? She didn't really know. All she knew it was long enough for her aunt to communicate the same news to her about her _confidante_. Kagome could only answer a measly 'I know.'

She remembered that she had called him the a few days after finding out to hear his voice, mostly. The other reason was to find out about the whole matter. The feminine voice that answered the phone forced her initial queries into oblivion. The call never accomplished it mission. Her heart had confirmed the whole deal. She had tried calling him many times again but her fingers froze at the aspect of hearing that voice answer his phone.

She didn't begrudge Inuyasha his love, or Kikyo the place she had in his life. What she hated was that even now, he had not told her himself. To find out through others that all her honesty in this matter was for naught was heart – breaking. She decided she would pretend she didn't know – as far as he was concerned. She wouldn't live in denial. No. She'd just not acknowledge to him that she knew. Tears threaded through her now. But she wouldn't allow them. She had never cried for any man and she wouldn't now.

It stung still that her confession to him was on the burning end of a rejection. She had asked another what he thought of a relationship and as always, she ended up the friend. Kagome had matured to the point that she didn't much care. She wondered if her confession now had anything to do with her need for acknowledgement that someone did love her. It didn't matter. Inuyasha was out of her each. He had Kikyo and their new baby. Yes. She finally said it. The baby.

She must really be stupid. She'd known that he had a girlfriend and she was content to be his friend. It struck a cord with her that Kikyo was so keen on talking to him about her. She sighed now. He was one of her best friends and always would be but he'd never know what he'd actually done to her. She'd put her hand in the fire, was about to put a foot in too. She couldn't imagine scars she would have received had she done that. She was hurt in a way that no one, not even her closest girlfriend, Sango, would know. She required distance from the entire thing now. From him. Luckily he wasn't a constant presence in her life. Keeping thoughts of him at bay would be easy when she was surrounded by friends and working. Throwing herself into her flirtatious life didn't hurt either. She wasn't short on offers for companionship but she'd never want that now. She had scars so impossibly deep, it was a miracle her heart still beat. He'd never know how much she truly loved him.

She waited now for the wedding invitation. She wondered if he would invite her. If she did get one, she'd go, dry eyed and wish him all the best in his new life. She knew of course, that her part in it would be non-existent. Ideally, she'd be the best friend of both but she'd never do that to herself. He had a part of her that she would get back and being apart of him was not the way to do it. She'd never left a man with a piece of her and she wouldn't start now. Whatever fragment he managed to keep of her would be a shell of the truth. She was no longer the girl he knew. The girl that now resolved to move on and had in fact moved onto some extent, he'd never know.

Confessing to him was a mistake. Letting him know how much he truly cut her was too much power for one man. She packed way her feelings now and burned them. She'd remember the hurt but it would never consume her. There was no sad ballad for this episode. It was cut and dry. She had loved, lost and now she had taken a step back into herself and into a future without him.

When they talked again, and they would, she would be as she always was. Cheeky, pleasant and the great actress she knew she was.


End file.
